Pakistani Wedding for Dummies

Hey friends,

Right after Ramadan, two of my cousins, who are also brothers, got married. They had a back to back marriage. One was in Islamabad and the other was in Lahore. Let me tell you, a Pakistani wedding is best experienced when you actually go through the whole planning and attending experience. Sometimes I hear about someone getting married, and I wish them well yada yada yada. But when I went through the planning experience of my two cousin’s weddings, I gained a whole new experience, albeit a very fun and wild experience.

A Pakistani wedding is broken down into the following basic rituals:

1.Dholki:

This is when each side of the family have a get together at their place where friends and close famiy members are invited to have a small party for the groom. A drum is traditionally played by the girls and there is a lot of singing too. Girls also prepare dances to the latest Indian Bollywood songs. In my cousin’s case, even he did some dances. A Dholki can last from one day to an entire week,where each evening of the week people would gather at the groom’s house for dinner. I, along with other cousins, were more in it to help my cousin out with the planning: distribution of wedding cards, arranging for dinner, taking care of guests, making sure clothes for the groom are all set and ready among other chores. This is my friend Maria and I!

2. Milad

This is held traditionally a day before the Nikaah (See No. 3 for Nikaah). Milad is when the women of the family and extended family get together and have a joint prayer for the groom. In my cousin’s case, there was a lecture from one of my aunt about how the groom’s wife and her mother-in-law should live peacefully according to Islamic regulations. My sister, who has an impeccable Arabic accent, read some verses from the Quran. Those sitting at the back end thought that my cousin had arranged for an Arabic woman to come read the passages from the Quran. There is dinner after the lecture and prayer. Men traditionally don’t attend the lecture, and usually come to the Milad right when dinner is being served! Lol! Below is my cousin getting married (center) and my other cousin.

3. Nikaah

Nikaah is when the groom (inside the mosque) and the bride (inside her home) sign documents in the presence of witnesses and the imam from the mosque. Once the documents are signed, the groom and bride are married according to Islamic regulation. It became somewhat a lengthy procedure for my cousin, who had to listen to the imam ask him certain questions, and he had to reply in the affirmative. Signatures of the witnesses are also needed, and they make a verbal confession too of being witnesses to the wedding. We also had to listen to a small lecture from the imam on what constitutes a successful marriage. Once the groom and bride sign the documents, congratulations are in order for both the guy and the girl. Sweets are distributed to all the guests. Dinner is served as well!

4. Mehndi (Henna)

Mehndi is held the following day after Nikaah (some people may choose to combine the Nikaah and Mehndi on the same day). Mehndi is where the groom and his family carry henna to the girl’s house. Before we entered the girl’s house, myself with three other cousins, wearing black shalwar kameez, led the procession by dancing the traditional bhangra! We were welcomed by the girls throwing petals and flowers on us. It was so embarassing for me as I never do such dances, but everyone pushed me into it and so I went ahead with the whole thing! Lol! All the guys from the groom’s side wore black shalwar kameez, with a yellow cloth around them. The groom and the bride are sittin in the middle on stage.

The groom is made to sit at the front of the area, and the girl’s side of the family come up to him, give him monetary gifts and apply henna to his hands and feed him sweets. Traditionally, the bride is not supposed to come out, and sits at the back, under a veil. However, in this case, everyone knew the girl, so the girl was sitting on the stage as well. Friends/ cousins from the guy’s side, as well as the girl’s side have prepared choreographed dances, which they perform. Mehndi is usually the most colorful, energetic, lively and fun event from all. In my cousin’s case, we were there till 3am! One interesting thing I noticed was that the groom doesn’t shave today so he can have a smoother shave tomorrow for the wedding day and look cleaner and smarter! My cousin and my sister after having danced on the stage. (Note, I didn’t shave today so I too could have a clean shave the following day. Lol!)

5. Baarat

The groom is prepared before leaving for the wedding. Sehra Bandi is a small ritual which is performed on the groom. A garland of flowers is placed around him, and his face is covered with hanging flowers too.

Then everyone from the groom’s side leave in a massive procession of cars for the wedding. The bride’s family greets the groom’s family and again, the groom is made to sit on the stage. Photo opportunities galore, and families take turn to sit on stage and have pictures taken. Later, the bride is brought in the hall, dressed in her awesome wedding dress. The couple sit on stage for pictures, are greeted by guests and given gifts. Of course dinner is a major event in itself as well. Lol. One small fun game the bride’s friends/ cousin play is snatch away the groom’s shoe, and demand money for it. So the guy’s side and the girl’s side ensue in a healthy and fun battle of negotiation of how much money to be given to get the shoe back. After this game, the father of the groom asks formally to the father of the bride if they can have the permission to take the bride home. A lot of crying occurs as the bride is sent away with the groom (even if the bride lives in the same city as her family, the parents and family still cry as symbollicaly the daughter has left her home to be with the groom). The couple go to their hotel suite, which we decorated before coming to the wedding with chocolates, flowers and candles!

6. Walima

Walima is where the groom’s family host a dinner for the bride’s family and guest. Again, it’s an opportunity for the couple fo sit on stage for more pictures, and another opportunity for guests to have more food! And yes, that’s Ali Zafar the pop singer standing at the extreme right! He was a hit among the crowd! And you can spot me very easily…since I am the tallest! Lol!

I have explained very briefly the entire Pakistani wedding process. The wedding can very from family to family, some have more functions, some have less. Some are elaborate, some are simple. Some hire professional pop stars for Mehndi, others don’t even have such a function. However, to truly enjoy the Pakistani wedding experience, one has to be behind the scenes as well as a guest to get the entire feel of it. The one most annoying thing for me throughout the entire 3 weeks for the two weddings was random people asking me: when are you getting married!? Argh!

 Mansur